Intentional Relationships

 

Relationships. I feel like I have been having this conversation with our children quite a bit lately.  First, they come to me with the complaint that So-and-so is treating them a certain way and So-and-so needs to change and it's all So-and-so's fault. I do my best to listen, hear them out.  Seek to understand. Ask questions to lead to understand...on both sides. And then, eventually it comes back to the phrase, "Well, you cannot change So-and-so. Their behavior is up to them. And it is up to YOU to decide how YOU will handle YOU." I tell this to my kids....but I often need to stand in front of a mirror and tell it to myself. We can point fingers. We can blame it all on the other person. Maybe we are completely blameless in a certain situation. However, we still have a choice how we will decide to behave. I recently came across an article by Dr Gary Chapman, and he had some great points to think on. I'll paraphrase them here: Do you find yourself overreacting to little irritations? Your spouse forgot to pick up something on the way home, and it sets you off in a bad mood for the entire evening. Your child tracked mud on the new carpet, and you explode. You find yourself steaming with resentment when your boss simply asks you to do your job. If so, there may be some reasons why. You've been repressing anger. Anger can sometimes live inside of you for years. Your parents hurt you with harsh words or severe punishment. Your peers made fun of you as a teenager. Your boss treated you unfairly. You've held all of these hurts inside, and now your stored anger is showing up in your behavior. Your expectations aren't being met. Expectations are tricky. We should have them, but sometimes they can be unrealistic or unreasonable for the season we are in. I've heard it said that the distance between our reality and our expectations causes internal conflict, and that conflict will often express itself in our our behavior toward others. You don't feel loved or valued. We are wired for connection. Whether from our intimate, family, or community relationships, when we feel loved, appreciated, and valued, the world is much brighter. When our love tanks are low, we can sometimes get defensive and put up walls to "protect" ourselves from feeling hurt. When we perceive we aren't valued, we can easily fall into resentment or cynicism that feels much like irritation. Your stress level is at capacity. Under stress, people can say and do things they would otherwise not—sometimes even things they regret. The issue is not that they have no filter or are uncaring, but rather, they've reached an unhealthy capacity (emotional limit) due to stress. The energy needed to "tame" their emotions, and not react to things that may frustrate or upset them, is at a low. If you find yourself irritated by things that most likely shouldn't get under your skin, consider writing in a journal or talking to a trusted friend about what may be bringing out your irritability. This may help show patterns and even get to the root issue underneath it all. Nobody wants to live in a constant state of frustration. Finding out where these irritations come from may help to decrease unnecessary friction and give you the ability to enjoy the moments you are given even more.

With intention,

Nichole

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